


First Night

by Saffo



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Rolivia, let your imagination continue it, probably the closest to smut my writing gets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 16:15:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21077753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffo/pseuds/Saffo
Summary: The story of what happens immediately after episode 20.19, "Dearly Beloved," during which Carisi interrupts an emotional moment between Olivia and Amanda.





	First Night

**Author's Note:**

> Story is not necessarily connected to my other Rolivia stories; I enjoy envisioning multiple different storylines for Amanda and Olivia's first kiss/acknowledgment of their feelings for each other!
> 
> Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. Blah blah.

Once the adrenaline wore off, and Olivia had showered, changed, and put some food into her stomach, she found her mind wandering back to Amanda. That was nothing new.

Without thinking too much about it, she picked up her phone and sent a text. _Intense ending to the day. You doing alright?_

As she waited for a reply, she quietly smiled, realizing that if she had sent such a text four years ago, Amanda would have taken offense - thought that Olivia was being condescending and thinking Amanda couldn’t handle it. Thank God they had a close friendship now. For so many years, SVU had been a boys’ club, and it was a relief to have a female friend. More than that, Amanda brought a warmth and solidness to Olivia’s life that she hadn’t even noticed was lacking before. The two of them had talked a few times about how nice it was to be friends in the midst of a career and environment that could be overbearingly male, but beyond that… had Olivia ever really, really let Amanda know how much she means to her, and thanked her?

Her phone buzzed. _Yeah, sure was a doozy. Went for a jog to shake it off. It’s pajama time now, with beer._

Olivia smiled. She could picture it - Amanda sprawled on that huge, fluffy couch, in her tank top and shorts, with a bottle of that locally-crafted brew she’d been into lately. She - sometimes with Noah, sometimes without - had spent enough nights at Amanda’s to know these details. Before she could text back, more texts came in from Amanda in quick succession.

_How bout YOU, Liv? Can’t stop thinking about our convo in your office. Shitty timing that Carisi bust in. Wasnt done talking._

A pause.

_Wanted to hug you._

Olivia smiled at her phone, half in pain at the remembered conversation, half in gratitude for having this caring woman in her life. She texted back.

_Thanks, Amanda. Maybe it was for the best. I surely would have ended up crying in your arms, had there not been that desk between us and Carisi interrupting. And we would have lost valuable time getting to that scene._

Of course, however, Olivia had felt the same way - she’d wanted to get Carisi out of her office and cling to Amanda. The job was usually a good distraction and focus for her, and after years of therapy, she rarely thought about her mother… no, that wasn’t quite true. Thoughts of her mother and her childhood frequently entered her mind, but she had learned, with hard work, how to acknowledge them but let them float on by like clouds in the sky, instead of letting the memories penetrate. Then occasionally there were days or cases like this, where the memories of being unloved suddenly cut her off at the knees. And she really did need support. Lost in thought, she almost missed Amanda’s next text.

_I kept that desk between us on purpose. I knew I’d lose it if you were within touching distance. Wouldn’t be able to not hug you. And yeah we’d both cry._

Shit, now Olivia _was_ crying. And she wanted Amanda hugging her. But they both had sleeping children, and it was late at night. These were barriers bigger than the desk.

_Oh, Amanda. I really appreciate you._

As soon as she hit ‘send,’ Olivia winced. It sounded so stupidly formal. All because she was trying too hard to not gush like an idiot. Quickly, she began typing again.

_I seriously wish I could be in your arms right now._

Shit. Olivia rubbed her eyes and cursed the wine she was drinking. She should have said “hug you,” at least, instead of “be in your arms.” That sounded…too…something. She attempted to amend it with another text, but deleted the attempt, not knowing what else to say. Surely trying to backtrack or explain herself would just make it more awkward. Oh dear God. She tossed the phone aside, turned on the TV, and tried to forget about it.

Amanda wouldn’t let her. After her phone had buzzed at least six times with incoming texts, Olivia reluctantly picked it up again. She didn’t want to. This was so embarrassing. Why was she being so needy? She would just tell Amanda to forget it, that she was fine, and was just going to get a good night’s sleep.

That is, until she read the texts.

_Me too Liv. _

_It’s the only ending to this day that would feel right. _

_Hey, u there? _

_Olivia. Talk to me. It’s gonna be ok. _

_Maybe Noah woke up or something and you’re with him? Please text back just so I know youre ok!_

After that, it was a bunch of random emojis. Or not random. There were hearts galore, question marks, phones, and a kiss. Three times. Olivia choked a little. What?

_I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m still here._

That was all she could manage. What was she supposed to say now?

_Noah’s still asleep. I wasn’t up with him. I just am having a hard night and don’t know what to say anymore._

Amanda’s reply came quickly.

_Well, if you were in my arms, you wouldn’t need to say anything. You could just be._

Olivia’s heart thumped. She couldn’t believe Amanda had returned to this subject. And had used those words. This made it sound like more than a fleeting hug; it sounded more like staying in Amanda’s arms for an indefinite amount of time. But of course it was just talk, because they both had sleeping children they couldn’t leave.

So, Olivia went with it. _That would be heavenly indeed. Too bad we’ve got sleeping children keeping us in place. Oh well, I should probably go to sleep as well._

She looked forward to climbing into bed under the soft duvet; she could at least pretend her friend's comforting arms were around her as she fell asleep. She was proud of herself for handling this so well. Years ago, she would have responded to painful memories of her mother by engaging in unhealthy habits, and shutting out everyone who tried to talk to her. Texting with Amanda was a big improvement.

Just as she was about to text Amanda goodnight, the woman stopped Olivia in her tracks yet again.

_I don’t want you to be alone tonight, hon. I called a babysitter and she just arrived, to stay with Jesse so I can come to you. Gimme 15 mins._

_What! Amanda! You don’t have to, it’s okay._

Shit. Had Olivia sounded so needy Amanda thought she couldn’t be alone? But…

_Liv. Did you ever think maybe I need your arms, too._

The effect was immediate - heat rushed to Olivia’s chest, neck, even the tips of her ears. What was Amanda saying? Olivia was glad Amanda couldn’t see her via text message, because it was embarrassing to have her body going haywire like this, and she was scared to admit, even to herself, how deeply she craved this. And how simultaneously exhilarating and comforting it was to know that Amanda wasn’t just performing a duty of friendship…she…

There were a dozen responses Olivia could have written, but refrained. _Okay please come_ was her rather ineloquent response. It sounded so needy. Olivia wanted to add “And hurry,” and sat on her hands from stopping herself. It was a little scary how vulnerable she felt right now.

The moment Amanda was through Olivia’s door with the door closed behind her, she gathered Olivia up into her arms. Not quickly, but purposefully, with no hesitation and no words. And all the way. Olivia could feel Amanda all over her whole body, the denim, the cotton, the press of her fingers, the soft, vanilla-scented hair. The warmth, the solidity, the realness of her. It wasn’t until she felt Amanda breathe in deeply, her chest pressing even more against Olivia’s, that Olivia realized she was hardly breathing at all. Her body was still so tense. Amanda exhaled. She slid the fingers of one hand up the base of Olivia’s skull, tangling in her hair.

“Breathe, sweetheart,” she whispered, and Olivia choked back a sob, which surprised her. She thought she was past the crying stage. But there was something about feeling so safe in Amanda’s arms that set her off again. Her body heaved against the other woman’s. Amanda held her even closer, if that was possible, and somehow guided Olivia to the couch without ever letting go of her.

For a while, Olivia cried, and Amanda held her. She didn’t speak, beyond the occasional “I’ve got you.” She handed Olivia tissues, and rubbed her back, and kissed her hair. Finally, Olivia’s tears slowed, and her lungs stopped spasming so much, and with Amanda’s encouragement, she tried to take some deep breaths.

They were still curled up with each other on the couch. One of Amanda’s arms was still around Olivia’s shoulders. “Liv, try to slow your breath. Slow it down. Count to four for the inhalation. You’re the one who taught me this, remember?” She smiled, and Olivia tried to smile back.

“You’re mostly breathing with your chest, not your diaphragm,” Amanda continued. She placed the palm of her hand on Olivia’s abdomen. On her T-shirt, but the hem had gotten all bunched up, and Amanda’s pinky finger was touching bare skin. Olivia’s breath hitched.

“Slow breaths,” Amanda repeated, possibly not realizing the effect she was having. “Not just with your chest. Try to make my hand move, with a deep inhalation.” Olivia gazed down at Amanda’s hand on her stomach. She was right - Olivia had shown Amanda these breathing exercises a few months ago, when Amanda was getting panicky in a hallway in the middle of a particularly horrific case that triggered painful memories from her past. Olivia had demonstrated the exercise, however, with her _own_ hand on her _own_ stomach. This…this…felt counterproductive to deep breathing. Still, she tried. She inhaled deeply, and as her stomach expanded, Amanda’s pinky finger came into contact with even more of Olivia’s skin, skin that suddenly felt hot and tingly.

“See!” Amanda exclaimed with a grin, as her gaze shifted from her hand on Olivia’s abdomen, to Olivia’s gaze. Olivia couldn’t help laughing, and she clasped her hand over Amanda’s, holding it in place.

“The look on your face! You’d think I won the Nobel Prize, instead of just accomplishing a deep breath!”

Now, Amanda blushed, and looked down, and instinctively tried to withdraw her hand. Olivia grasped her hand tighter. “No, hey, I’m teasing.” Without thinking, she leaned in and gave Amanda a clumsy kiss on her cheek, awkwardly close to her ear. Amanda seemed to blush even more. Olivia tried to fix this embarrassing moment.

“Here, let me practice a few more breaths,” she said, and placed Amanda’s hand back on her stomach, resisting the urge to put it under her T-shirt. She closed her eyes, and concentrated on inhaling, one, two, three, four, feeling Amanda’s hand rise as her abdomen rose. Hold for one, two, three, four. Then out, one, two, three, four. Again. And again once more. It was nice. Peaceful, cozy. When she finally opened her eyes, she discovered that Amanda’s eyes were closed, and she, too, was breathing in the same rhythm. Olivia took this moment to gaze at her best friend’s face, so…_open_. Such an open reflection of her heart. How did she do it? How did she make Olivia feel so safe, so cared for?

Probably Amanda could sense Olivia’s eyes burning a hole in her. She opened her eyes, and locked them on Olivia’s. That blueness. That intensity. Something other than her breath fluttered inside of Olivia, and she resisted the urge to look away from those blue eyes she could probably drown in if she wasn’t careful.

“Thank you for being here, Amanda,” she whispered, and nearly gasped when Amanda’s wordless response was to caress Olivia’s stomach where she hadn’t actually removed her hand from.

“Always, Liv,” Amanda replied. She took a deep breath, and seemed to be deciding something. “I know earlier, I said we didn’t need words. That just holding each other was enough.”

Uh. Olivia’s head was spinning again. Uh, no, neither of them had used the words “holding each other.” Amanda was still talking.

“But I just wanted to say. Because I need to, and you need to hear it, even though I know you already know it, okay?” Her words were rushing out, and Olivia felt a little weak at the emotion clearly in this preamble.

“Your mother was wrong. You have never ever been unlovable. You…”

With no warning, renewed tears began sliding down Olivia's cheeks. Amanda wiped them away with her fingertips, and when Olivia tipped her head down, Amanda brought it back up again, by holding the older woman’s chin and gently lifting it up until their eyes met again.

“You are an incredibly lovable and loving person who makes a positive difference in the world for so many people, and you are loved by so many people, including me.”

Olivia’s tears flowed.

“I love you.” It wasn’t the first time Amanda had said the words to her, but...this was the first time it…felt like this.

Olivia wanted to say it back, but was too choked up to speak, and oh, God… she leaned in impulsively and very nearly pressed her lips against Amanda’s, until at the very last second she managed to veer off the tiniest bit so that maybe it could still count as a kiss on the cheek. A wet, emotional, surprisingly intense, kiss on the corner of Amanda’s mouth.

“I -“ Olivia stammered, and breathed hard. Amanda gently put her fingertips on Olivia’s lips, leaned in towards Olivia’s face… she wasn’t even sure which one of them let out a whimper. Amanda pressed her forehead against Olivia’s, kept her fingers at Olivia’s lips, which were now parted, as they both breathed heavily. All up in each other's faces. Olivia had meant to say “I love you, too," but couldn’t get it out, and surely _this_ \- forehead to forehead with Amanda, inhaling and exhaling each other’s oxygen - said it.

Amanda wouldn't move her hand, which was all that was keeping their lips apart, and she whimpered. Olivia's lips moved against Amanda's fingers, slightly, for a second, before she turned her head to the side with an “Oh, God.”

It took great effort for Olivia to pull her face away from Amanda’s. They were both breathing hard. Amanda’s eyes were flitting up to Olivia’s, then away, again and again. She scrunched them shut.

“I’m sorry, Liv,” she said.

“No,” Olivia blurted, grabbing Amanda’s arm with a force that surprised them both. She just didn’t want Amanda to bolt. “Please. There’s nothing to apologize for.” She paused. “Or rather, I should be the one apologizing to you.”

Amanda took hold of Olivia’s forearm. “What?? How could you have anything to apologize for? I’m - “

They both fell silent.

“Because I’m your boss, Amanda,” Olivia whispered. “And I’m aching to kiss you.”

“Liv,” Amanda barely breathed.

“You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had, and I’m not used to close friendships with women, and I, I’ve taken it too far, and of course I should apologize, I can’t jeopardize our jobs like this, I - “ Olivia knew she was babbling like an idiot, but the hormones coursing through her body right now were over-riding her rational mind.

Amanda, to shut Olivia up, leaned in and planted a big kiss square on Olivia’s mouth. “Stop. This isn’t just on you.” She waited until Olivia was breathing fairly normally again. “Is it really so bad if we _do_ kiss? If we both want it?” She laid her hand on Olivia’s thigh, and squeezed. It burned.

“Amanda,” Olivia said, her voice gravelly. “We can’t be that naive, and let our hormones take over. We’re not allowed to work together and be in a romantic relationship. You know this.”

Amanda’s face darkened slightly. “Actually, Olivia, what’s naive is saying this is ‘hormones.’ It’s not. You know it’s more. It has been for a long time.”

Olivia stared at Amanda, stunned into silence. So they were really talking about this? Or at least, Amanda was. Olivia opened her mouth, knowing she should speak, but then closed it again. So Amanda kept going.

“I meant those three words. If we kissed, it wouldn’t suddenly change our work relationship, at least not to me. You know why? It wouldn’t actually be the _start_ of something. Because I’ve already…"

She paused, and looked uncharacteristically shy.

“I’ve already been in love with you for a long time.”

Olivia reached out, blindly, and her hand made contact with some part of Amanda but she wasn’t even sure what part; she felt like half of her was floating above the room. Was this really happening?

Tears were streaming down Amanda’s cheeks, and Olivia, without thinking, without talking herself out of it, leaned in to kiss them away, over and over. She caressed Amanda’s face, touched the woman’s quivering lips, with a gentleness that bordered on reverence.

“You are the bravest woman I know,” she husked. “And I love you, too.”

“I’ll transfer out of the department if that’s what it takes for you to be okay with this,” Amanda gushed, but could barely finish the sentence, before Olivia’s lips crashed into hers. No pulling back. A beautifully desperate sound came from Amanda’s throat, as Olivia held steady, her lips pressed firmly against Amanda’s. Then, unable to wait any longer, Olivia let go, kissing Amanda with the tsunami of passion and love that had been building inside them both. Amanda responded by simultaneously sliding both hands under the hem of Olivia’s T-shirt, and thrusting her tongue into Olivia’s open mouth. Olivia groaned loudly, and then even more so, when Amanda’s hands slid, fingers splayed, up Olivia’s bare back.

Olivia kept kissing, and kissing, and kissing, melting into Amanda, her body feeling like it was being filled to overflowing with a hot ray of sunshine. Her hands roamed over Amanda’s arms, shoulders, lingered in her long, soft hair. When Amanda sucked on Olivia’s bottom lip, Olivia felt a burst of heat right in her core.

Some tiny voice in Olivia’s mind was saying, _doing this tonight is not such a brilliant idea, and really you should slow this down,_ but it was hard to listen. Especially when Amanda’s fingers were wandering to right _there_…

Olivia moaned slightly as Amanda’s hand slowly traveled under the front of Olivia’s T-shirt, and up the bare skin right between her breasts, because she knew what was coming. She leaned in and pressed her lips onto Amanda’s glorious neck, sucking gently. She was ready for Amanda’s hand on her breast. What she was not prepared for, however, was for Amanda to somehow deftly grasp Olivia’s nipple in her fingertips before she even touched the rest of her breast. Olivia gasped, and as Amanda quickly _twisted_ her nipple, _just_ like that, Olivia cried out and bit down on the soft flesh of Amanda’s neck.

The exquisite groan that came from Amanda’s throat only increased the wetness between Olivia’s legs. Oh, God, she didn’t want to stop.

“We don’t have to stop,” Amanda breathed, and Olivia realized she’d actually said it out loud. “But we probably should,” Olivia choked out, barely, as Amanda took Olivia’s whole breast in her hand like the two body parts had been created to fit together. Olivia sighed, shuddered, writhed.

“Why?” Amanda asked. Olivia was cupping her ass. Which was still covered with her jeans. Their pelvises were close, but not close enough. Pulling on Amanda’s ass wasn’t going to be enough to bring any part of her body close enough to grind her clit against, not from this position here on the couch, and Olivia groaned in frustration. She was trying to remember why they should stop, but couldn’t.

“I don’t want to stop,” Amanda spoke up. “I want you to suck on my nipples.” She lifted her shirt up. Olivia felt like she was dying but never wanted anything more. Amanda knew it, and grinned widely at Olivia, leaning in to kiss her.

Olivia complied. The feel of Amanda Rollins’s nipple in her mouth was heaven on Earth. She kissed it, licked it, sucked it between her lips and flicked it with her tongue. Amanda’s appreciative responses were so loud Olivia laughed against her breast and shushed her so she wouldn't wake up Noah, but really, she loved it. _What sounds would Amanda make with Olivia’s tongue on her clit?_ she wondered.

She decided to ask. Pulling her mouth away from Amanda’s other nipple, Olivia quickly resumed her ministrations with her fingers instead, and leaned in towards Amanda. She lightly licked the throbbing pulse point on her neck before whispering, “What kind of sounds will you make when my tongue is on your clit?” Her voice was calm, almost matter-of-fact. Amanda grunted like she could barely breathe, and her pelvis lurched towards Olivia.

"Oh, _fuck_, Liv.” She grasped at Olivia again, brought Olivia in for a kiss, and began the sexiest forensic excavation of Olivia’s mouth with her tongue. Olivia imagined the movements of Amanda’s tongue being repeated in her vagina, and felt herself quivering.

“Let’s get off this couch,” she demanded, and led Amanda to the bedroom. Amanda sprawled out on Olivia’s bed and undid the button of her jeans, staring hard at Olivia with a look in her eyes that made Olivia’s knees wobble. As Olivia began lowering herself gently on top of Amanda, she smiled.

“Don’t worry about transferring, Amanda. I had been waiting for a sign that it’s the right time for me to retire, and here it is.” She paused, watching Amanda’s eyes tear up. “I’ve been in love with you, too, for longer than I can remember. I want to be with you.”


End file.
